ASK TOM CRUISE

Tom Cruise has studied extensively in almost every conceivable discipline,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

God has been busy these last few weeks what with Hurricanes, Tornadoes and a soon to be discovered new outbreak of the plague in Norway (let's be honest with ourselves people, we deserve everything we get) so we've asked Hollywood Heart Throb and the only person besides God himself and Jesus who has it all figured out, Tom Cruise, to answer your letters this week.

Dear Tom,
I'm 18 and a little shy of asking girls out. There's a girl I work with at Arby's that I have a big crush on and we flirt all the time. What should I do?
Confused,
Orlando

Dear Confused,
Vitamins and starring. That's right. Vitamins will give you the strength needed to give this girl a good, hard stare. Never, never use artificial starring stimulants or lose eye contact. Stare and stare and stare again. Stare into her soul. Stare through her soul right into the heart of the "milkshake" machine. And whatever you do stay away from those "milkshakes". See my stare there in the picture? That's what you want. I practically gave Kidman an orgasm with my first stare. Once you've starred her to the brink of ecstasy get on your hands and knees by the pop machine and tell her over and over again how much you love her. Then dance around the Arby's kitchen, leaping off as many of the machines there as possible. Ok? And read Dianetics. Ok, Who's next. I don't have all day ...

Dear Tom,
I'm on antidepressants to calm the voices in my head telling me to set fires. But these antidepressants leave me not wanting to start fires at all? What should i do?
Sparky,
Calgary


Dear Sparky,
The entire psychological industry is centered around getting you to spend as much as you can on drugs and therapy which science has shown had no effects what so ever on people. That's right. There is not one single study anywhere on Ron's green earth that supports the contention that anti-depressants help anyone with anything. I've searched google several times and found nothing. I even used their advanced search. That's right. The greatest fraud perpetrated on mankind undone by one google search. And I'll tell you what for nothing: All those scientists and doctors who might say "Hold on there Tom, there are plenty of studies that-" I say to them show me the money. Let's just reflect on that a second. Show me the money. Where does that money lead? To the towers of the false prophets at Phizer and ... the other places where medication takes the place of vitamins, starring and a set of 50 push-ups every morning. You want to stop setting fires, Sparky? Take your vitamins, do your push ups and stare. And read Dianetics. Next!

Dear Tom,
Scientologists practice something called Auditing. In auditing, moments of pain and unconsciousness (engrams) are sought out and re-experienced by posing lists of questions designed to cause the subject to recall them; in this way, their `charge,' or ability to cause aberrant behavior, psychosomatic illness, etc, is dissipated. Didn't Freud try this then discard it because it produced no permanent results? And it sounds kinda like Catholic Confession?
U.R. FULLOFSHIT
Toronto

Dear U.R.
Are you being glib? You are being glib, Charley. Do you know anything about science, or psychology? Starring? Vitamins? I've studied all of these things. You are being glib and I wont bring myself down to your glib level.

Dear Tom,
The Thetan thing sounds kind of wonky. Correct me if I'm wrong but Evil Galactic Emperor Xenu killed billions of these Thetans on earth 75,000,000,000 years ago and it's their spirits that are the cause of our badness? Am I getting this right? Does Katy know about this?
R. U. Serious?
London

Dear R.U.
So you've made your way to Wall of Fire? My $200,000 check bounced so I'm not there yet. You know you'd really be doing me a financial solid if you could tell me what else you know? Save me a bundle. Katy has expensive tastes. She wont blow me unless she gets Do-Do eggs for breakfast ...