Mr. Bitter’s Tips for a Happy life:
Mr. Bitter’s Painting Tips:
Painting is not fun. Painting is a pain in the ass. If painting were a human being I would have no problem deporting that person to Syria for torture. And if called before a parliamentary committee to answer for my actions I’d simple say, “But honourable members of House … he’s the personification of painting.”
Having said that, sometimes painting just can’t be avoided. Sometimes it’s actually necessary. Like when a guy breaks into your house with a gun and a can of “forest green” and demands you paint a wall or he’ll put a bullet in your shin. Or the Martha Stewart paint you bought is peeling off the walls like sheets of plastic. When you find yourself in these situations follow the advice below to minimize the pain:
HIRE A GOD DAMNED PAINTER!!!
Walking-Around Ettiquette:
If you’re walking through a crowded mall on a Saturday afternoon taking in all the lovely and alluring window displays and one catches your eye and you decide to stop, suddenly, without warning and someone walks into the back of you, you really have no business getting annoyed. If you were driving a car you’d have whiplash.
Along the same lines: A quick lesson about escalators. Escalators create movement and movement creates force. That’s just how it works. Whoever is behind you on an escalator is at the mercy of these forces of nature. Once you're on you really can’t stop moving till you get off. So if you get to the top or the bottom of an escalator and you stop, right there and don’t at least take a step away from the escalator, the person behind really has no choice but to run right into you. So like we discussed earlier, you really have no business getting annoyed. If you were driving a car you’d be dead.
Painting is not fun. Painting is a pain in the ass. If painting were a human being I would have no problem deporting that person to Syria for torture. And if called before a parliamentary committee to answer for my actions I’d simple say, “But honourable members of House … he’s the personification of painting.”
Having said that, sometimes painting just can’t be avoided. Sometimes it’s actually necessary. Like when a guy breaks into your house with a gun and a can of “forest green” and demands you paint a wall or he’ll put a bullet in your shin. Or the Martha Stewart paint you bought is peeling off the walls like sheets of plastic. When you find yourself in these situations follow the advice below to minimize the pain:
HIRE A GOD DAMNED PAINTER!!!
Walking-Around Ettiquette:
If you’re walking through a crowded mall on a Saturday afternoon taking in all the lovely and alluring window displays and one catches your eye and you decide to stop, suddenly, without warning and someone walks into the back of you, you really have no business getting annoyed. If you were driving a car you’d have whiplash.
Along the same lines: A quick lesson about escalators. Escalators create movement and movement creates force. That’s just how it works. Whoever is behind you on an escalator is at the mercy of these forces of nature. Once you're on you really can’t stop moving till you get off. So if you get to the top or the bottom of an escalator and you stop, right there and don’t at least take a step away from the escalator, the person behind really has no choice but to run right into you. So like we discussed earlier, you really have no business getting annoyed. If you were driving a car you’d be dead.
posted by Soft Headed Liberal at 5:30 PM
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