Mr. Bitter To Run For Liberal Leadership
Having never met a bandwagon we didn’t want to whole heartedly jump on, we here at Mr. Bitter would like to officially announce our candidacy for vacant position of leader of the federal Liberal Party.
Yes, while reading an article in today’s paper while trying to pass one of Missus Sour’s seafood burrito’s, it suddenly struck us: why not. Everyone else is. And we hate to be left out. But first let me clear up a few things that the press I’m sure will feel the need to bring up in order to discredit out campaign.
It’s true that while teaching at Harvard we wrote an essay defending the use of “anal pears” on prisoners held at Guantanimo Bay. We had no idea that an anal pear was a device of torture. We thought it was actual pear with a funny name. We assumed it would be delicious, and not deadly.
Secondly, some of you may remember our tumultuous time as Premiere of Ontario. It’s true; we outlawed all types of pants. The bible says they’re the devil’s choice of clothing the sinful parts of the body. (We consider anything from the waist down to be inherently sinful). On reflection we now whole-heartedly accept a man’s right to wear pants. Women, stick to skirts … the shorter the better …
On the plus side we once played goal for the Montreal Canadiens before becoming a sanctimonious and dreadfully dull lawyer. We also ran the Daily Bread food bank for a while. Though we did refuse to serve pant-wearing women.
Anyway, we hope you will give us your support to put this country right. If you see a future that includes female soldiers in short, tight, camouflaged shirts and low cut, Kevlar combat sport tops shooting insurgents then Mr. Bitter Inc is your candidate. Send us money now!
Yes, while reading an article in today’s paper while trying to pass one of Missus Sour’s seafood burrito’s, it suddenly struck us: why not. Everyone else is. And we hate to be left out. But first let me clear up a few things that the press I’m sure will feel the need to bring up in order to discredit out campaign.
It’s true that while teaching at Harvard we wrote an essay defending the use of “anal pears” on prisoners held at Guantanimo Bay. We had no idea that an anal pear was a device of torture. We thought it was actual pear with a funny name. We assumed it would be delicious, and not deadly.
Secondly, some of you may remember our tumultuous time as Premiere of Ontario. It’s true; we outlawed all types of pants. The bible says they’re the devil’s choice of clothing the sinful parts of the body. (We consider anything from the waist down to be inherently sinful). On reflection we now whole-heartedly accept a man’s right to wear pants. Women, stick to skirts … the shorter the better …
On the plus side we once played goal for the Montreal Canadiens before becoming a sanctimonious and dreadfully dull lawyer. We also ran the Daily Bread food bank for a while. Though we did refuse to serve pant-wearing women.
Anyway, we hope you will give us your support to put this country right. If you see a future that includes female soldiers in short, tight, camouflaged shirts and low cut, Kevlar combat sport tops shooting insurgents then Mr. Bitter Inc is your candidate. Send us money now!
posted by Soft Headed Liberal at 12:33 PM
1 Comments:
I will vote if you make sure waterboarding is tolerated and only demonstrated by women in short rubber skirts with extra onions and pickles on the inside.
Thanks for taking care of this.
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