Judas Reformed: Satan Next?

Watch it, pal. Your hands are cold.,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

All of the headlines in this mornings papers – except for the Sun, which went with “Naked Stripper Clubs To Death Lefty Hobo with Seal Carcass”, ran with the “breaking news” of the day: Judas Iscariot wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

As you may or may not remember, Judas was the guy who sold Jesus up the cross for a bag of silver and a slightly used hammer. And ever since he planted that famous kiss on the cheek of Jesus, he’s been the bad guy. The traitor, the sell out the… well, Judas, I guess.

But it turns out, according to an ancient manuscript unveiled yesterday by the National Geographic Society (which owns the publishing rights and is airing a show about the manuscript Sunday night on it’s own, eponymously named TV channel) Jesus wanted Judas to betray him. Jesus apparently also told Judas to put the "Kick Me" sign on his back as he carried the cross up the hill. Jesus is also to have told Judas and only Judas his big, Davinci Code type secret. (The Judas Code?) And here it is: He was gay. Kidding. Had you for a second, though, didn’t I. No. The big secret was this: God didn’t create this world. The world was actually created by a lesser, evil divinity not named in the manuscript. A divinity we here at Mr. Bitter will call, Dick Cheney. And what was Dick Cheney’s purpose for creating this world? To trap divine spirits. And I’m not talking about Raspberry Schnapps either. So Jesus had to die and Judas had to help him in this regard so he could free his divine spirit. And the rest of our divine spirits, eventually. Oh, and the crucifixion wasn’t bad for business either.

Also discovered with the manuscript was a title page which read "This Gospel has in no way been written by Judas' mom".

But this is hardly news. The Judas reformers have been around almost as long as the Christians themselves. The Gnostics held Judas to be the most enlightened Apostle and a member of an inner circle of followers who were privy to the true path to salvation. And, as you’d expect, main line churches have suppressed this knowledge for centuries. Although they don’t appear to have done a very good job. First Jesus knocks up Mary Magdalene and buggers off to France or somewhere like that where a brave Tom Hanks and that cute French actress ... from that movie ... she was in... will discover the conspiracy and perhaps fall in love. Deep, dangerous love.

So whither the villian? Where are we to look for those who are evil and selfish just because they are? Even Darth Vader has been redeemed. He did it for love, people. Love and a shinny, black helmet. Where are the unapologetic villians? Like Shakespear's Iago or Edmund or even Aaron from Titus Andronicus. Check out this passge:

"Wherein I did not some notorious ill; As kill a man, or else devise his death; Ravish a maid, or plot the way to do it; Accuse some innocent, and forswear myself; Set deadly enmity between two friends; Make poor men's cattle break their necks; Set fire on barns and hay-stacks in the night, And bid the owners quench them with their tears. Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves, And set them upright at their dear friends' door Even when their sorrows almost was forgot, And on their skins, as on the bark of trees, Have with my knife carved in Roman letters 'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.' Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things As willingly as one would kill a fly; And nothing grieves me heartily indeed But that I cannot do ten thousand more."

Now that's evil.