A Moment @ the Movies with Mr. Bitter

shakespeare,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Crash: People seem to like this film. It’s being mentioned in a lot of sentences that also contain the words: “Oscar”, and “Nomination”. My mom really liked it. A lot of older white people seemed to like it. The movie starts with two young black kids talking about how people pre-judge them as criminals. They then car-jack Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock. This is the jumping off point for a number of chance meetings and coincidences that show how we’re all a little racist or that L.A. is a very small town indeed. Not an ignoble idea. So what’s your problem, Mr. Bitter, you ask? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s nothing but a collection of convoluted set pieces that exist solely for the purpose of justifying writer/director Paul Haggis’s big statement. The characters (imagine me doing air-quotes as I say the word characters) act and do things as if they’re merely arguments come to life. They are archetypes from Screenwriting 101. Nothing in this film feels real. “All films are convoluted, Mr. Bitter, you stupid, stupid idiot,” you say? Well guess what. IF THE MOVIE IS WELL WRITTEN AND DIRECTED YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE, ASSHOLE!

King Kong: Playwrights are the new action heroes. They can fight dinosaurs, giant bugs, get thrown down gorges, get ignored by giant bat things and, of course, hunt and trap giant apes. They also steal the hearts of leading ladies. I wrote a play once. Weather Girl, Fringe Festival 2000. Got a three star review in Eye magazine. And I can do all the above. (Don’t worry, Missus Sour. You’ll always be my leading lady)
It’s a little known fact Shakespeare could do all these things too. In fact he once wrestled a giant ape sent by the Czar to kill Queen Elizabeth the first. It’s all there in As You Like It. Just read between the lines.