The Glorious, Glorious Future: Mr. Bitter's Predictions for 2006
Like a half full (or is that half empty) bottle of beer with a cigarette butt floating in it, it's time to say goodbye to the old year and ring in the new. I know that beer looks tempting but trust me; it’s time to move on. Put the beer down. Put the beer down, please ... PUT THAT DOWN!!!!
So what's in store for us in the coming 12 months? Thankfully for you, Mr. Bitter possess psychic powers and he's supped from that half empty bottle of beer and he's feelin' generous. So here follows just a small sampling of what’s in store for us bags of mostly water over the coming months. Prepare to be amazed. These predictions are 100% guaranteed to come true.*
Election '06:
The Liberals are caught with their pants down. Around their ankles. With $50 bills attached to their cocks, wagging them at French-Canadian hookers.
The NDP all die in a horrible accident when a freak tsunami, brought on by melting waters from the arctic, engulfs their global warming news conference being held on a BC beach. All that's found is Sven Robinson's engagement ring ...
Stephen Harper's conservatives win with only 30% of the vote. Half the House of Parliament sits empty. Harper and Giles Duceppe use megaphones to scream insults at one another across the empty floor of the Commons.
With 52 shooting deaths in the city of Toronto - make that 53 - it took an attractive, white, middle class teenager from Riverdale walking into a bullet for Stephen Harper to realize just what a problem we had on our hands. In what can only be described as an ingenious decision (in keeping with Harper initiated Bill 45: the Everything Our Glorious New Leader Says Is Right Bill. All hail the glorious leader!) Harper gives every single Torontonian a pistol. It's a self defense orgy as Torontonians kill each other in record numbers.
Iraq:
George Bush continues to defend his Iraq policy and trumpets the positives. On June 29th 2006, for instance, he tells Americans weary of war that several kittens, thought lost and presumed cute, are found hiding in Donald Rumsfeld's pants.
Rumsfeld himself tells Americans: "I love kitties".
Condelisa Rice losses it on a trip to Holland and puts the Dutch Prime Minister's head through a dyke.
The Antarctic:
Millions of adorable penguins learn tough lessons about life, love and fish as they try desperatley to get it on. But ultimately they continue to let us project our feelings and emotions on to them. They also amaze us with their ability to look like drunk, fat guys in suits. Oh look, the little guy fell over again. Just like Uncle Ron at the Steverson's Wedding. Meanwhile an American survey team is all but destroyed by an alien being they thaw out of the ice. First a Norwegian team found it and they chased this dog across the tundra but the Americans didn't know what was happening so they shot the Norwegian guy. Is the dog good or bad? It's kinda cute but it's got shift eyes. The Americans go to the Norwegians place but it's all destroyed and there's a frozen guy with a slit throat and frozen alien thingy they tried to burn it but they couldn't and then Jeff Daniels - No, it's what's his name ...Kurt Russell and he's drunk a lot ...I recently watched The Thing...
What else:
Retail continues to suck as a career option
Celebrities will continue to amaze us with their ability to mimic human emotion. Except for Tom Cruise whose heads cracks open during an Oprah Winfrey interview to reveal a Thetan mutant bent on human annihilation. Oprah shows the Thetan a random act of kindness and it destroys its self. But not Tom Cruise, who goes on to win an Oscar in the autobiographical film Elmwood River, about a guy with a ripped open head who teaches a small town motorcycle gang that they can find love again. With or without a ripped open head. As Cruise's character says to Crowbar, the leader of the motorcycle gang who is struggling to come to terms with his own sexuality: "If I can find love with a ripped open head - look at me. I'm a monster - so can you. Believe. Could ya do that for me, Crowy? Could ya believe?" Directed by Ron Howard.
Katie Holmes gives birth to what appears to be a full grown, perfectly sculpted, teenage boy with glowing green mesmor-eyes. She then disappears forever. Rumours persist that she and Debbie Rowe (biological mother of Michael Jackson's kids) meet Wednesdays for coffee.
Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, the Olsen kids and Lindsey Lohan. They all continue to beguile and amaze the witless and dull.
Right wing Christians continue to feel persecuted because not everyone does everything they tell them.
That's all for now. Mr. Bitter is tired. These visions of the future can really take it out of a guy. Time to sit back, relax, brew a nice cuppa, have Missus Sour massage my dirty, dirty feet and watch Lost. Oh here's another quick one: the writers of Lost quickly try the patience of the entire North American veiwing audience when Gilligan makes a guest appearance on the highly rated but patience testing show riding a Polar Bear and listenning to a Driveshaft Cd.
* Not an actual guarantee
So what's in store for us in the coming 12 months? Thankfully for you, Mr. Bitter possess psychic powers and he's supped from that half empty bottle of beer and he's feelin' generous. So here follows just a small sampling of what’s in store for us bags of mostly water over the coming months. Prepare to be amazed. These predictions are 100% guaranteed to come true.*
Election '06:
The Liberals are caught with their pants down. Around their ankles. With $50 bills attached to their cocks, wagging them at French-Canadian hookers.
The NDP all die in a horrible accident when a freak tsunami, brought on by melting waters from the arctic, engulfs their global warming news conference being held on a BC beach. All that's found is Sven Robinson's engagement ring ...
Stephen Harper's conservatives win with only 30% of the vote. Half the House of Parliament sits empty. Harper and Giles Duceppe use megaphones to scream insults at one another across the empty floor of the Commons.
With 52 shooting deaths in the city of Toronto - make that 53 - it took an attractive, white, middle class teenager from Riverdale walking into a bullet for Stephen Harper to realize just what a problem we had on our hands. In what can only be described as an ingenious decision (in keeping with Harper initiated Bill 45: the Everything Our Glorious New Leader Says Is Right Bill. All hail the glorious leader!) Harper gives every single Torontonian a pistol. It's a self defense orgy as Torontonians kill each other in record numbers.
Iraq:
George Bush continues to defend his Iraq policy and trumpets the positives. On June 29th 2006, for instance, he tells Americans weary of war that several kittens, thought lost and presumed cute, are found hiding in Donald Rumsfeld's pants.
Rumsfeld himself tells Americans: "I love kitties".
Condelisa Rice losses it on a trip to Holland and puts the Dutch Prime Minister's head through a dyke.
The Antarctic:
Millions of adorable penguins learn tough lessons about life, love and fish as they try desperatley to get it on. But ultimately they continue to let us project our feelings and emotions on to them. They also amaze us with their ability to look like drunk, fat guys in suits. Oh look, the little guy fell over again. Just like Uncle Ron at the Steverson's Wedding. Meanwhile an American survey team is all but destroyed by an alien being they thaw out of the ice. First a Norwegian team found it and they chased this dog across the tundra but the Americans didn't know what was happening so they shot the Norwegian guy. Is the dog good or bad? It's kinda cute but it's got shift eyes. The Americans go to the Norwegians place but it's all destroyed and there's a frozen guy with a slit throat and frozen alien thingy they tried to burn it but they couldn't and then Jeff Daniels - No, it's what's his name ...Kurt Russell and he's drunk a lot ...I recently watched The Thing...
What else:
Retail continues to suck as a career option
Celebrities will continue to amaze us with their ability to mimic human emotion. Except for Tom Cruise whose heads cracks open during an Oprah Winfrey interview to reveal a Thetan mutant bent on human annihilation. Oprah shows the Thetan a random act of kindness and it destroys its self. But not Tom Cruise, who goes on to win an Oscar in the autobiographical film Elmwood River, about a guy with a ripped open head who teaches a small town motorcycle gang that they can find love again. With or without a ripped open head. As Cruise's character says to Crowbar, the leader of the motorcycle gang who is struggling to come to terms with his own sexuality: "If I can find love with a ripped open head - look at me. I'm a monster - so can you. Believe. Could ya do that for me, Crowy? Could ya believe?" Directed by Ron Howard.
Katie Holmes gives birth to what appears to be a full grown, perfectly sculpted, teenage boy with glowing green mesmor-eyes. She then disappears forever. Rumours persist that she and Debbie Rowe (biological mother of Michael Jackson's kids) meet Wednesdays for coffee.
Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, the Olsen kids and Lindsey Lohan. They all continue to beguile and amaze the witless and dull.
Right wing Christians continue to feel persecuted because not everyone does everything they tell them.
That's all for now. Mr. Bitter is tired. These visions of the future can really take it out of a guy. Time to sit back, relax, brew a nice cuppa, have Missus Sour massage my dirty, dirty feet and watch Lost. Oh here's another quick one: the writers of Lost quickly try the patience of the entire North American veiwing audience when Gilligan makes a guest appearance on the highly rated but patience testing show riding a Polar Bear and listenning to a Driveshaft Cd.
* Not an actual guarantee
posted by Soft Headed Liberal at 8:59 PM
1 Comments:
Mr. Bitter, you never cease to amaze me with your powers. Well done!
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