Suicide Bomber Trips Himself Up

Startled Squirrels Love Nuts,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

An untied shoe is all that kept suicide bomber Khalid from an eternity with 72 virgins.
“I feel so stupid,” said Khalid from the icy, black, weightless void where he will spend eternity, instead of the heavenly paradise with the implied de-virgining, that he had envisioned.
Khalid had trained for weeks for his mission, detonating himself in front of a local Egyptian MacDonald’s.
“MacDonald’s is a symbol of Western imperialist godlessness. And I asked for no onions on my double quarter-pounder and guess what. I got onions.”
Khalid had stuffed his blue adidas zip up with explosives and stuffed the detonator in his Levi 501’s but he forgot to tie one of his Nike Air Jordan’s and tripped on his way to the restaurant. He tripped, setting off the bomb.
“I fell and the bomb went off. I thought I’d get to kill a bunch of onion loving, Egyptian workers slaving away for peanuts to feed their families and possibly a few westerners. All I did was startle a few squirrels.”

Mr. Bitter To Run For Liberal Leadership

Doesn't that look delicious,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Having never met a bandwagon we didn’t want to whole heartedly jump on, we here at Mr. Bitter would like to officially announce our candidacy for vacant position of leader of the federal Liberal Party.

Yes, while reading an article in today’s paper while trying to pass one of Missus Sour’s seafood burrito’s, it suddenly struck us: why not. Everyone else is. And we hate to be left out. But first let me clear up a few things that the press I’m sure will feel the need to bring up in order to discredit out campaign.

It’s true that while teaching at Harvard we wrote an essay defending the use of “anal pears” on prisoners held at Guantanimo Bay. We had no idea that an anal pear was a device of torture. We thought it was actual pear with a funny name. We assumed it would be delicious, and not deadly.

Secondly, some of you may remember our tumultuous time as Premiere of Ontario. It’s true; we outlawed all types of pants. The bible says they’re the devil’s choice of clothing the sinful parts of the body. (We consider anything from the waist down to be inherently sinful). On reflection we now whole-heartedly accept a man’s right to wear pants. Women, stick to skirts … the shorter the better …

On the plus side we once played goal for the Montreal Canadiens before becoming a sanctimonious and dreadfully dull lawyer. We also ran the Daily Bread food bank for a while. Though we did refuse to serve pant-wearing women.

Anyway, we hope you will give us your support to put this country right. If you see a future that includes female soldiers in short, tight, camouflaged shirts and low cut, Kevlar combat sport tops shooting insurgents then Mr. Bitter Inc is your candidate. Send us money now!

Much Music Declares Billy Ray Cyrus Jr Winner of VJ Search

In a stunning move belatedly recognized here at Mr. Bitter, Billy Ray Cyrus Jr has been voted the next Much Music VJ by Much Music viewers. (We've been in Africa hoping to get a photo of Bradjelina's baby, hopefully at the exact moment the baby's bulbous head tries and fails to pass through Angelina Jolie's incredibly tiny hips and birth canal, causing her to split in two)
Billy Ray Cyrus Sr, star of TV's hit series Doc, and apparently also a singer of some sort, was reported to be happy his dopey, personality challenged son (using the clever pseudonym Tim Deegan) has finally found his calling. Looking vacuously into a camera while throwing to the latest Black Eyed Peas video.

"Next Hitler" Contestant Looks Like a Strong Contender

"I would do the little moustache thing if it wasn't an afront to my god",
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

The latest contender for “WhoWants To Be The Next Hitler?” is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. There have been many talented newcomers in the 66 year history of this contest but it’s been some time since the judges have seen a rookie with such promise.
“I’m really quite flattered,” said Ahmadinejad. “To be recognized at such a young age and at such an early period in my career is amazing. I mean, I’ve hardly killed anyone yet!”
With the recent death of Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic and the arrest of former Liberian President Charles Taylor, the shortlist for this year’s prize was getting, well short. Osama Bin Laden’s name had been mentioned in some circles to make a reappearance on the list, but as one judge told Mr. Bitter, “it’s been awhile since he really captured the imagination.”
Ahmadinejad’s use of Holocaust denial, coupled with his calling for the complete annihilation of Israel was inspired, said another judge. “Also, his recent boasting of Iran’s nuclear capabilities really impressed me,” the judge added. “Haven’t seen anything like that since the Cold War. I love those retro touches.”

Mr Bitter Winning Lottery Numbers

Yesterdays unofficial numbers are:
2 13 25 26 35 47

Yesterdays official numbers are:
3 14 26 27 36 48

Congratulations to all our winners. Don't forget to play next weeks draw.

Judas Reformed: Satan Next?

Watch it, pal. Your hands are cold.,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

All of the headlines in this mornings papers – except for the Sun, which went with “Naked Stripper Clubs To Death Lefty Hobo with Seal Carcass”, ran with the “breaking news” of the day: Judas Iscariot wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

As you may or may not remember, Judas was the guy who sold Jesus up the cross for a bag of silver and a slightly used hammer. And ever since he planted that famous kiss on the cheek of Jesus, he’s been the bad guy. The traitor, the sell out the… well, Judas, I guess.

But it turns out, according to an ancient manuscript unveiled yesterday by the National Geographic Society (which owns the publishing rights and is airing a show about the manuscript Sunday night on it’s own, eponymously named TV channel) Jesus wanted Judas to betray him. Jesus apparently also told Judas to put the "Kick Me" sign on his back as he carried the cross up the hill. Jesus is also to have told Judas and only Judas his big, Davinci Code type secret. (The Judas Code?) And here it is: He was gay. Kidding. Had you for a second, though, didn’t I. No. The big secret was this: God didn’t create this world. The world was actually created by a lesser, evil divinity not named in the manuscript. A divinity we here at Mr. Bitter will call, Dick Cheney. And what was Dick Cheney’s purpose for creating this world? To trap divine spirits. And I’m not talking about Raspberry Schnapps either. So Jesus had to die and Judas had to help him in this regard so he could free his divine spirit. And the rest of our divine spirits, eventually. Oh, and the crucifixion wasn’t bad for business either.

Also discovered with the manuscript was a title page which read "This Gospel has in no way been written by Judas' mom".

But this is hardly news. The Judas reformers have been around almost as long as the Christians themselves. The Gnostics held Judas to be the most enlightened Apostle and a member of an inner circle of followers who were privy to the true path to salvation. And, as you’d expect, main line churches have suppressed this knowledge for centuries. Although they don’t appear to have done a very good job. First Jesus knocks up Mary Magdalene and buggers off to France or somewhere like that where a brave Tom Hanks and that cute French actress ... from that movie ... she was in... will discover the conspiracy and perhaps fall in love. Deep, dangerous love.

So whither the villian? Where are we to look for those who are evil and selfish just because they are? Even Darth Vader has been redeemed. He did it for love, people. Love and a shinny, black helmet. Where are the unapologetic villians? Like Shakespear's Iago or Edmund or even Aaron from Titus Andronicus. Check out this passge:

"Wherein I did not some notorious ill; As kill a man, or else devise his death; Ravish a maid, or plot the way to do it; Accuse some innocent, and forswear myself; Set deadly enmity between two friends; Make poor men's cattle break their necks; Set fire on barns and hay-stacks in the night, And bid the owners quench them with their tears. Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves, And set them upright at their dear friends' door Even when their sorrows almost was forgot, And on their skins, as on the bark of trees, Have with my knife carved in Roman letters 'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.' Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things As willingly as one would kill a fly; And nothing grieves me heartily indeed But that I cannot do ten thousand more."

Now that's evil.