Space Shuttle Fun facts

Space Shuttle Fun facts,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

-Did you know the hull of the space shuttle Discovery is made of Macaroni?
-Did you know if a piece of the shuttle falls off and hits you on the head you can return it to NASA to collect a prize? Prizes may include the following: Moon rocks signed by John Glen’s second cousin Bert.
-Did you know Aluminum melts at nearly 1500 degrees F. Steel melts at nearly 3000 degrees F. Human flesh burns at a lot less than either of the above. Just throwing that out there ...
-Did you k now astronaut’s underwear is made of space-age polymers with moon-dust seat filters?
-Did you know that Discovery is powered by the hot air emanating from Anne Coulter’s
mouth? If you look closely at the launch footage you can see her strapped to the back hold a lighter to her mouth.
-Did you know that the earth is actually a living entity named Gaia? -Did you also know that her life force covers the earth and is often referred to as the Ozone layer? Did you further know every time the space shuttle pierces that layer of Gaia’s skin, she bleeds for centuries?
-Did you know that if Robert Novak, conservative columnist and outer of secret agents, were to be pushed forcibly from behind out of the space shuttle and he somehow didn’t burn up in the atmosphere upon reentry, his body would make a crater out of a orphanage for children with terminal cancer or a home for war widows?

British Police Promise More Killings

In the wake if the tragic death of an innocent man on the London underground the other day, Scotland Yard today assured a nervous British public that more killings were to come.
“Yes, we will be killing more people,” said Sergeant Stanley Hennings of New Scotland yard. “We’ve pretty much instructed our staff to kill as many people as they think necessary to make the underground safe.”
Jean Charles de Menezes a Brazillian national not in London to play soccer, was shot dead by police. Witnesses say the man was pinned to the ground when shot dead at point-blank range.
“We wont necessarily be pinning people before we kill them,” Hennings said. “We’ll be shooting people in the back, shooting people from long range and possibly shooting people through other people but we wont be doing any more pinning.”
“We can’t possibly shoot everyone who gets on the underground,” Hennings continued. “But we will shoot as many as we can. In this day and age you can’t take any chances.”

ASK TOM CRUISE

Tom Cruise has studied extensively in almost every conceivable discipline,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

God has been busy these last few weeks what with Hurricanes, Tornadoes and a soon to be discovered new outbreak of the plague in Norway (let's be honest with ourselves people, we deserve everything we get) so we've asked Hollywood Heart Throb and the only person besides God himself and Jesus who has it all figured out, Tom Cruise, to answer your letters this week.

Dear Tom,
I'm 18 and a little shy of asking girls out. There's a girl I work with at Arby's that I have a big crush on and we flirt all the time. What should I do?
Confused,
Orlando

Dear Confused,
Vitamins and starring. That's right. Vitamins will give you the strength needed to give this girl a good, hard stare. Never, never use artificial starring stimulants or lose eye contact. Stare and stare and stare again. Stare into her soul. Stare through her soul right into the heart of the "milkshake" machine. And whatever you do stay away from those "milkshakes". See my stare there in the picture? That's what you want. I practically gave Kidman an orgasm with my first stare. Once you've starred her to the brink of ecstasy get on your hands and knees by the pop machine and tell her over and over again how much you love her. Then dance around the Arby's kitchen, leaping off as many of the machines there as possible. Ok? And read Dianetics. Ok, Who's next. I don't have all day ...

Dear Tom,
I'm on antidepressants to calm the voices in my head telling me to set fires. But these antidepressants leave me not wanting to start fires at all? What should i do?
Sparky,
Calgary


Dear Sparky,
The entire psychological industry is centered around getting you to spend as much as you can on drugs and therapy which science has shown had no effects what so ever on people. That's right. There is not one single study anywhere on Ron's green earth that supports the contention that anti-depressants help anyone with anything. I've searched google several times and found nothing. I even used their advanced search. That's right. The greatest fraud perpetrated on mankind undone by one google search. And I'll tell you what for nothing: All those scientists and doctors who might say "Hold on there Tom, there are plenty of studies that-" I say to them show me the money. Let's just reflect on that a second. Show me the money. Where does that money lead? To the towers of the false prophets at Phizer and ... the other places where medication takes the place of vitamins, starring and a set of 50 push-ups every morning. You want to stop setting fires, Sparky? Take your vitamins, do your push ups and stare. And read Dianetics. Next!

Dear Tom,
Scientologists practice something called Auditing. In auditing, moments of pain and unconsciousness (engrams) are sought out and re-experienced by posing lists of questions designed to cause the subject to recall them; in this way, their `charge,' or ability to cause aberrant behavior, psychosomatic illness, etc, is dissipated. Didn't Freud try this then discard it because it produced no permanent results? And it sounds kinda like Catholic Confession?
U.R. FULLOFSHIT
Toronto

Dear U.R.
Are you being glib? You are being glib, Charley. Do you know anything about science, or psychology? Starring? Vitamins? I've studied all of these things. You are being glib and I wont bring myself down to your glib level.

Dear Tom,
The Thetan thing sounds kind of wonky. Correct me if I'm wrong but Evil Galactic Emperor Xenu killed billions of these Thetans on earth 75,000,000,000 years ago and it's their spirits that are the cause of our badness? Am I getting this right? Does Katy know about this?
R. U. Serious?
London

Dear R.U.
So you've made your way to Wall of Fire? My $200,000 check bounced so I'm not there yet. You know you'd really be doing me a financial solid if you could tell me what else you know? Save me a bundle. Katy has expensive tastes. She wont blow me unless she gets Do-Do eggs for breakfast ...

Novak, Rove Enjoying Their Freedom

You're in Jail and I'm Not,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Conservative columnist Robert Novak sipped margharitas and nibbled on caviar yesterday while one reporter languishes in jail and another narrowly escaped jail time for failing to reveal a source to federal prosecutors.
"It's pretty sweet, eh?" Novak said, adjusting himself in a Roman style lounger while a young, Asian prostitute fellated him.
Novak, along with Time magazine reporter Mathew Cooper and New York Times reporter Judith Miller, all knew the identity of the source that named Valerie Plame, wife of Ambassador Joe Wilson as a CIA spy. The leak came shortly after Wilson had openly criticized Bush's contention that Saddam Hussein had bought uranium from Niger for use in a nuclear weapon. The leak was seen as a lapse in national security and a petulant attempt to punish dissenters by the White House. Bush promised that the source of leak would be immediately fired once identified.
“Hey! Easy there, it’s not a carrot”, said Novak, pushing the prostitute away as he reached for a marijuana joint.
Though Novak named Plume in his column he was not subjected to the same terms and penalties as Miller and Cooper.
“It’s just the liberal media trying to railroad me,” he continued. He then leapt to his feet and punched a baby panda to death. When asked to elaborate on the apparent contradiction in what he’d just said, Novak replied “Ah fuck off, commie!”
He then looked at the small group of Bangladeshi children furiously sewing in the corner.
‘Where’s that gad damned shirt!’ he bellowed. ‘My nipples are freezin’.”
At that point Karl Rove, presidential advisor and architect of two Bush election victories, who many suspect to be the source of the leak, burst in and slapped Novak on the back.
“Hey you old whore fucker!” Rove laughed, quickly disrobing while taking a mirror, razor blade and small bag of cocaine out of his pocket.
He plopped down on the lounge and whistled. Two tall, naked Nubian women appeared and began oiling down Roves’ ample frame.
“So what happened,” asked Novak. Rove snorted a line and laughed. “Fire the source of the leak huh? Well I got my pink slip right here!” At this point, Rove raised his left buttocks and farted loudly.
Novak and Rove then rolled on the floor laughing uncontrollably.

French Terror Cell Attacks Toronto With Whimsy, Giraffes

Girafe pauses before stomping on little girl,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Toronto’s Street Festival became a festival of annoyance and rage Friday evening when French Terrorist unleashed a merciless barrage of whimsy on an unsuspecting crowd.
The crowd had gathered to see local heroes Broken Social Scene and celebrate Canadians longest street, Yonge Street , immortalized in the film Going Down The Road, when the French terror cell unleashed several 8 meter high pink giraffes on the unsuspecting and till that point un-annoyed crowd. The giraffes, operated by French stilt-walkers trained in the fields of Afghanistan, where part of a grander “Urban Operetta” mission. Experts say “whimsy-terror” is fast becoming the new modus operandi for many terror groups.
“At first I thought it was kinda cool, ya know,” said Marilyn Hassensomethingorother, tearing her shirt into strips and weaving the strips into a noose. “But it just kept going and going. They wouldn’t stop.”
According to witnesses the giraffes were being driven slowly up Yonge Street by “a fat, gay clown” and an “even fatter chick” singing opera whimsically to one another. They smiled a lot and tempted people to nurture the child within. As the time for the Broken Social Scene set grew near, the “Urban Operetta” seemed to draw to a close only to have the music start up again. This happened several times, witnesses said. Other said the pair appeared to be courting one another through whimsical song while being pushed along the street by whimsically dressed “elves”.
Impatience within the crowd was growing. The BSS show was already delayed 15 minutes when the cell leaders were raised on a dias and yelled whimsical, French verbal bombs into the crowd. The “fat one” then appeared to perform mock cunilingus on the female. The giraffes had by then been driven into the crowd. It was a sea of crossed arms and frowny faces. The two “performers” then entered into some godless marriage and exploded a bomb of coloured paper in celebration. Several run over toes were reported.
“They were French and driving giant pink giraffes up the street dressed like Circe Du Soleil”, said Suzanne Beyonce JLo Spears mmmsucks, frantically trying to puncture her eardrums. “ I can still hear their endless, whimsical songs.”
Marcel Marceau is creditted as the first "whimsy terrorist".
“Sounds like standard PSY-OPS to me” said retired terrorism expert Bert Bertman. “We had ten foot kangaroos and whimsical Frenchmen at Abu Ghraib and Guantanimo. The prisoners all released their bowels in unison during the openning ten minutes of the "sun dance". But that whimsy was released in a controlled environment. What kind of lunatic would release whimsy on those levels of on a uncontrolled crowd? Monsters. Bloody monsters”
Expert say attacks like this can really "bug the shit out of people".