Layton and Chow Promise to "Watch the Sex"

I promise not to put these fingers in Ms Chow's anus,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

As the newly elected NDP Mp for Trinity-Spadina in Toronto, Olivia Chow
joins husband and NDP party leader Jack Layton in Ottawa and the pair have promised to work
hard for their constituents and all Canadaians and not spend their time together "fucking like rabbits".

"As husband and wife, the obvious temptations will be there," said
Layton on election night. "But I promise to resist running my hands up
her silky, bamboo thighs".
Chow agreed. "It will be hard but I promise to spend most of my time
fighting for the rights of the underprivileged and not tonguing Jack's
glorious balls. "

"She's quite good at it," added layton, looking a bit flushed. "Even
while she tongues the tip of my hard, throbbing cock while gently
caressing my balls, I will still be fighting for the hard working men
and women of Canada. And when I reach down and fondle her small but
pert breasts, which by this time will possess the hardest nipples I've ever
put my mouth around, I will be thinking hard about a national daycare
program. "

Chow added " Jack is a maestro with his tongue. Not just when it comes
to speaking, either. I often think of him giving a speech on the
rights of labour unions while he's tonguing my clitoris. "

The pair will be sitting next to one another in the House.
"That will be great," enthused Layton. "I can easily lean over and
whisper in her ear what a douche-bag Harper is while she gives me a
hand job under my desk. Killing two birds with one stone, really."

OH MY GOD HE'S ABOUT TO VOTE!!!

I wonder who he's voting for [1]...,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

I can’t wait till Monday’s election. And I’ll tell you why. That’s when my favourite thing in an election happens. Party Leaders voting. I tell ya I’m so excited about this I’ve had to change my pants several times while writing this blog. And they always show the leaders voting on TV. How do they know when the leaders are going to vote? Do you think they phone ahead and tell them or is it just really good investigative journalism?
There is nothing like watching the leaders exercise their right to vote. It’s like they’re just like one of us. And wouldn’t it be cool if they threw us a curve and voted for one of the other guys, or wrote a swear word on their ballot. Who would know? Or maybe they sign their ballots just to make sure. Anyway I know where I’ll be Monday night: parked on the couch in my jammies and slippers waiting for those shots of the leaders dropping those little slips of folded paper in those big, white ballot boxes while smiling and waving victoriously like that’s the vote that’s putting them over the top. Oh boy I’ve done it again. Going to have to change my pants ...

Canada, What Are you Fucking Thinking!!

Wolf in the worst sheep's costume ever,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

A week to go till election day and there's one thought, one sentiment that burns in my brian all day and all night. WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING THINKING, CANADA!!!
Seriously, what is wrong with you guys? The Conservatives? They’re closing in on a majority, you know. Do you all really think Harper has changed that much? Or do you just hate the Liberals so much right now you don't care who you drag down with you in your rush to get even? Is that any way to make an informed decision? In anger? If you get mad at your neighbour you don’t run out and buy a new house. No, you just let your dog shit on his front lawn. So how do you shit on Martin’s front lawn? Vote NDP. Or even Green. If there’s a communist running in your riding you could give him a thrill. It will be him ,his mother and you. Three votes will make his day.

Tax cuts always sound appetizing. But it’s a different story when your meal arrives and it’s only “French” portions and the bill comes to: health care cuts backs, service fees, no child care and kick in the nuts for good measure. Meanwhile Mr. Banker and Mr. Business Mogul are wiping each other's asses in the bathroom with hundred dollar bills. We all hate taxes but taxes are the cost of living in a society. It’s not like you don’t get anything for them. And a GST cut? It might save you a few cents a year on diapers but it saves you a whole lot more on a kuxury car or 78" plasma screen television.

Much has been made in the press about Harper’s makeover. Gone is the strident, arrogant, boy-whose-parents-didn’t-get-him-a-bike-so -he’s-holding-his-breathe-till-he drops- Harper. Also excised from his personality buy a neural surgeons in the Austria Alps is his neo-con, let-the-poor-eat-my-shit Harper. How do we know this? The press helpfully keeps telling us. Probably because that’s what Harper’s people keep telling the press. Goody for him. But keep this in mind: Those people gagged and tied at the wrist and ankles in the closet of the back of Harper’s campaign bus are the anti-gay, anti-abortion, let’s make Canada a theocracy types that give most Canadians the willies. If Harper wins it’s going to take more than chains and pepper spray to keep those guys quiet. Already there was one leaked memo stating the desire of the god-crowd to go hog-wild in the name of christ once the Conservatives win.

Although on second thought maybe that wont be such a bad thing. When these social troglodytes, these reverse cockroaches, scamper into the light we’ll all see if this makeover was worthy of a Life Channel special or an episode of Fear Factor where Harper feasts on a bowl of rotting, shit-smeared crow.

A Moment @ the Movies with Mr. Bitter

shakespeare,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Crash: People seem to like this film. It’s being mentioned in a lot of sentences that also contain the words: “Oscar”, and “Nomination”. My mom really liked it. A lot of older white people seemed to like it. The movie starts with two young black kids talking about how people pre-judge them as criminals. They then car-jack Brendan Fraser and Sandra Bullock. This is the jumping off point for a number of chance meetings and coincidences that show how we’re all a little racist or that L.A. is a very small town indeed. Not an ignoble idea. So what’s your problem, Mr. Bitter, you ask? Well I’ll tell ya. It’s nothing but a collection of convoluted set pieces that exist solely for the purpose of justifying writer/director Paul Haggis’s big statement. The characters (imagine me doing air-quotes as I say the word characters) act and do things as if they’re merely arguments come to life. They are archetypes from Screenwriting 101. Nothing in this film feels real. “All films are convoluted, Mr. Bitter, you stupid, stupid idiot,” you say? Well guess what. IF THE MOVIE IS WELL WRITTEN AND DIRECTED YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE, ASSHOLE!

King Kong: Playwrights are the new action heroes. They can fight dinosaurs, giant bugs, get thrown down gorges, get ignored by giant bat things and, of course, hunt and trap giant apes. They also steal the hearts of leading ladies. I wrote a play once. Weather Girl, Fringe Festival 2000. Got a three star review in Eye magazine. And I can do all the above. (Don’t worry, Missus Sour. You’ll always be my leading lady)
It’s a little known fact Shakespeare could do all these things too. In fact he once wrestled a giant ape sent by the Czar to kill Queen Elizabeth the first. It’s all there in As You Like It. Just read between the lines.

The Glorious, Glorious Future: Mr. Bitter's Predictions for 2006

Like a half full (or is that half empty) bottle of beer with a cigarette butt floating in it, it's time to say goodbye to the old year and ring in the new. I know that beer looks tempting but trust me; it’s time to move on. Put the beer down. Put the beer down, please ... PUT THAT DOWN!!!!

So what's in store for us in the coming 12 months? Thankfully for you, Mr. Bitter possess psychic powers and he's supped from that half empty bottle of beer and he's feelin' generous. So here follows just a small sampling of what’s in store for us bags of mostly water over the coming months. Prepare to be amazed. These predictions are 100% guaranteed to come true.*

Election '06:

The Liberals are caught with their pants down. Around their ankles. With $50 bills attached to their cocks, wagging them at French-Canadian hookers.
The NDP all die in a horrible accident when a freak tsunami, brought on by melting waters from the arctic, engulfs their global warming news conference being held on a BC beach. All that's found is Sven Robinson's engagement ring ...
Stephen Harper's conservatives win with only 30% of the vote. Half the House of Parliament sits empty. Harper and Giles Duceppe use megaphones to scream insults at one another across the empty floor of the Commons.

With 52 shooting deaths in the city of Toronto - make that 53 - it took an attractive, white, middle class teenager from Riverdale walking into a bullet for Stephen Harper to realize just what a problem we had on our hands. In what can only be described as an ingenious decision (in keeping with Harper initiated Bill 45: the Everything Our Glorious New Leader Says Is Right Bill. All hail the glorious leader!) Harper gives every single Torontonian a pistol. It's a self defense orgy as Torontonians kill each other in record numbers.

Iraq:

George Bush continues to defend his Iraq policy and trumpets the positives. On June 29th 2006, for instance, he tells Americans weary of war that several kittens, thought lost and presumed cute, are found hiding in Donald Rumsfeld's pants.

Rumsfeld himself tells Americans: "I love kitties".

Condelisa Rice losses it on a trip to Holland and puts the Dutch Prime Minister's head through a dyke.

The Antarctic:

Millions of adorable penguins learn tough lessons about life, love and fish as they try desperatley to get it on. But ultimately they continue to let us project our feelings and emotions on to them. They also amaze us with their ability to look like drunk, fat guys in suits. Oh look, the little guy fell over again. Just like Uncle Ron at the Steverson's Wedding. Meanwhile an American survey team is all but destroyed by an alien being they thaw out of the ice. First a Norwegian team found it and they chased this dog across the tundra but the Americans didn't know what was happening so they shot the Norwegian guy. Is the dog good or bad? It's kinda cute but it's got shift eyes. The Americans go to the Norwegians place but it's all destroyed and there's a frozen guy with a slit throat and frozen alien thingy they tried to burn it but they couldn't and then Jeff Daniels - No, it's what's his name ...Kurt Russell and he's drunk a lot ...I recently watched The Thing...

What else:

Retail continues to suck as a career option

Celebrities will continue to amaze us with their ability to mimic human emotion. Except for Tom Cruise whose heads cracks open during an Oprah Winfrey interview to reveal a Thetan mutant bent on human annihilation. Oprah shows the Thetan a random act of kindness and it destroys its self. But not Tom Cruise, who goes on to win an Oscar in the autobiographical film Elmwood River, about a guy with a ripped open head who teaches a small town motorcycle gang that they can find love again. With or without a ripped open head. As Cruise's character says to Crowbar, the leader of the motorcycle gang who is struggling to come to terms with his own sexuality: "If I can find love with a ripped open head - look at me. I'm a monster - so can you. Believe. Could ya do that for me, Crowy? Could ya believe?" Directed by Ron Howard.

Katie Holmes gives birth to what appears to be a full grown, perfectly sculpted, teenage boy with glowing green mesmor-eyes. She then disappears forever. Rumours persist that she and Debbie Rowe (biological mother of Michael Jackson's kids) meet Wednesdays for coffee.

Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff, the Olsen kids and Lindsey Lohan. They all continue to beguile and amaze the witless and dull.

Right wing Christians continue to feel persecuted because not everyone does everything they tell them.

That's all for now. Mr. Bitter is tired. These visions of the future can really take it out of a guy. Time to sit back, relax, brew a nice cuppa, have Missus Sour massage my dirty, dirty feet and watch Lost. Oh here's another quick one: the writers of Lost quickly try the patience of the entire North American veiwing audience when Gilligan makes a guest appearance on the highly rated but patience testing show riding a Polar Bear and listenning to a Driveshaft Cd.

* Not an actual guarantee