Dinner Guests or How I Learned To Use Photoshop

Had a few buddies up to the cottage this weekend. Pat there stopped by for some chicken on his way to an End Times picnic in Peterborough. This whole Middle East thing has him pretty excited. Meeting the big guy for the first time and all. Though if I were him I'd be a bit wary. Jesus doesn't take lightly to being misquoted for political and personal gain.
And Missus Sour and I gave Celine the day off from serenading us while we shower and play cards to enjoy some "beer can" chicken. That's the beer can sticking out of the chicken's ass. Carlsberg, I believe. The idea is slowly smoke the chicken over several hours. The first time we tried it Missus Sour and I built an actual wood fire inside the smoker. In about 45 minutes the bird was black. The meat underneath the charred flesh was quite good, though. So we then discovered we were supposed to use coals and keep a steady heat and in 8 hours we'd have "beer can" chicken. Well two hours later the chicken was done and we still couldn't figure out for the life of us how the hell this was supposed to take 8 hours. Apparently there is a bowl inside we thought was for catching drippings which is actually for water. Water to smoke the chicken. Now we get it and if we ever try it again we'll use the water. Pat made a pig of himself by the way. And they love to just hide in the grass like common snakes, those two. Celine cries a lot.

I'm Kinda Like Shakespeare Without The Fancy Hairdo!

To your left, or is that right, (I guess it depends on if you view your computer from a chair or hanging from the ceiling like the common chimp) you’ll notice not one, not two but three new links. I can hear you asking yourselves “But Mr. Bitter, what have we, your lonely, pathetic and sycophantic admirers done to deserve this?” Well not much, to be honest. I’m just trying something out. Two of the links are to sites where I will be posting stories in serialized form. Kind of like a comic book without the pictures or a TV series without the pictures and sound and commercials. I hope you will enjoy them. Fury is my take on Greek mythology – the Furies and the House of Atreus, dropped into our modern day world mostly. Good Soldiers is about terrorism, 9/11 and the deadly feedback loop we seem to be stuck in right now. The link called Damon’s Samples is not a list of the results of the numerous urine tests I’ve taken over the years. (For the record: all voluntary, all positive – for fun!) There I will post some scenes from screenplays and plays I’ve written and am working on. You will all be surprised and devastated to learn they have not been produced. Except one.

I hope you enjoy them and will let me know what you think. The first posting should be appearing sometime over the course of the next few days. (I do have a job, you know. Actually, I’m here right now, not on a break, writing this!)

Super Harper Saves 1000's of Stranded Canadians

Harper Inadvertanly Kills Several Onlookers With a Wave of Force from His Super Hand,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper personally saved over 3000 stranded Canadian citizens from war torn Lebanon today.
Stung by criticism his government hasn’t done enough to help Canadians trapped in Lebanon during the recent conflict there, Mr. Harper leapt into action. Carrying two small children on his back and holding their terrified mother in his arms, Mr. Harper took flight, unaided, and dropped the family off at their Montreal residence. As the residents of the neighborhood flooded into the streets in awe, Harper smiled humbly and told the crowed he couldn’t stay to sign autographs or Tory memberships as he had “thousands” of citizen’s to help before his afternoon nap. Harper then flew up into the blue sky like a bird or a plane and back to Lebanon and picked up another family. This time the family was also traveling with their pet, Scoopy, the family beagle. Scoopy perched sleepily on Harper’s head for the entire flight.
Harper continued to personally fly each family directly to their homes, kindly refusing all entreaties to come inside for a drink or biscuit. Harper then flew to his secret hideout, somewhere in the tar sands of Alberta for his afternoon nap. After his nap Harper saved several more famlies before calling it a night.
Harper was accompanied the entire time by his press secretary and personal photographer who followed Harper in a super-sonic flying jet pod. Unnamed Parliament Hill sources later told Mr. Bitter, that the source of Harper’s superpower is camera flashes, the tyrannical hold he keeps on his sycophantically loyal press secretary and tax cuts for the rich. The source then expressed hope that Lex Luthor, or the Federal Liberal Party doesn’t read Mr. Bitter, as he would then finally have the means with which to destroy Harper. The source then looked up into the sky and screamed “Harper!”

MMMM... Knee Peas!

Knee peas. It almost rhymes. Knee peas are the frozen peas I put on my knee everyday to aid in my recuperation from a knee injury. (In actual fact an old knee injury that never healed properly) A few time a day for twenty minutes or so I place a bag of frozen peas on my knees to keep down the swelling. I have decided that once my injury has healed and I’m back on the field playing like the out of shape 34 year old I am, I will eat these peas. Missus Sour wonders whether these peas are still safe to eat having been allowed to thaw then be refrozen several times over the past few weeks as they sit atop my knee. I guess I’ll find out.
Mmmmmm knee peas.
Disclaimer: Mr Bitter Inc does not endorse one brand of frozen peas over another, nor do recommend eating repeatedly thawed and refrozen peas. Do not try this at home.

Soccer Dude Can't Stop Writing About Soccer

I've had several of my regular readers and hangers on beg me, I mean on hands and knees beg me, to continue to write about all things soccer. How could I look into their wide, pleading eyes and say "Bugger Off!" it was hard, trust me. But then, upon reflection, I decided, why not? Oh how their faces lit up and their tears dried. So I just basically changed the name of the link to my old World Cup blog. Just over to your right there folks. The World Cup may be over but the club season only a month and a bit from kicking off. Plenty to look forward to: Arsenal's new stadium, can anyone in England beat Chelsea's millions, will Juventus be relegated for max fixing and if so who will benefit the most from the firesale to follow (probably Chelsea as they've got those millions of dollars), will Barcelona continue it's dominance in Spain? Will the new president at Real Madrid turn the fortunes of this storied team. Stuff will happen in France, Germany and Holland, I'm sure. The Portuguese have a league too, I guess.
I, for one, can't wait to find out.

Keith Richard's As A Pirate? Outrageous!!

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest last night. I did not enjoy it as much as the first one. I saw the first installment one afternoon a few summers ago. I had had just been dumped by my girlfriend of the time (oh poor Mr. Bitter sniff sniff). That was right after I had just helped her move into her new apartment. The heavy lifting was over. So instead of going to work and starring at the walls in alternating fits of anger and sadness, it decided to go to a movie and stare at a movie screen in alternating fits of anger and sadness. Well much to my surprise the film put the wind in my sails and ... fired up the old pirate thing there ... ARRRR! You know. For two and half hours I forgot my heart had just recently been ripped from my chest and shoved right up my ass.
The circumstances surrounding the sequel were much less grim. Polar opposite, actually. Missus Sour and I attended a 10:45 showing. Our first Pirate experience as engagees. It was one for the scrap book, certainly. Although Missus Sour does have this habit of asking at the most inopportune times what’s going on when if she were to just continue watching for a few minutes her question would be answered. So she inevitable talks over the answer. But she’s the love of my life so I guess it’s a small price to pay for the happiness she brings me ever day.
Anyway, this is long way of getting to my little anecdote. As we left the theatre there was a small band of people in Pirate costume, waving a Pirate flag and hooting. For a second I thought: The Pirates of the Caribbean have won the World Cup.

Nation Wide 1% off Sale!

That’s right Canada. This is the single greatest sale in the history of Canada. Just think about it: you’ll save cents, I mean cents! You won’t know what to do with all the cents you’re saving. (Plus, there’s the added bonus of boon to the change purse industry. Stocks in Fancy Change Purses Ltd. and the Satin Bag Conglomerate is going through the roof) Let’s break down the numbers for you: Today I bought a CD. It was priced at $14.99 plus tax. Last week this CD would have cost me $ 17.24 but today, at Great Canadian 1% off Sale, the CD cost only $17.09! I saved fifteen cents! Are you kidding me! Amazing! Imagine what I'd save if I bought a CD every day (thereby saving myself fifteen cents a day). By this time next year I’ll have saved, are you ready for this, $54.75! That's the cost of,like four whole Cd's. So technically, every quarter I get a free CD. Amazing. Although when they tax my new child care benefit I’ll probably have to use that $54.75 towards the tax bill. Or to cover what I lost when the Tories cancelled the Liberals income tax cut. I guess I’ll just have to buy two CD’s a day!