Lazy Blogger Takes Vacation

Lazy, do-nothing, blogger of suspect personal hygeine, Damon Scheffer, has decided to go on vacation.
"I'm pooped," said Mr. Scheffer, sprawled out on a couch, rubbing his hairy beer-belly. "Fuckin' exhausted."
Mr. Scheffer strains his arm to reach his beer, pauses, cachtes his breath, then tries again. "Why did I put that beer all the way over there," he asks.
"You know I have to get up, straighten my clothes, walk all the way over to the computer, think of something funny then write it and possibly spell check it depending on my mood ... it's not as easy a life as some people would think."
Mr. Scheffer's legion of adoring fans held a rally outside his house to protest the move.
"What a lazy bastard," said Norma Flugue of BlueFalls, Texas. "I've been standing here, walking my feet raw in protest fot hours. He hasn't moved from the couch. Not even to go to the bathroom. I've got a bet going he's wearing adult diapers."
Mr. Scheffer laughs at the idea when told of the protestors bet. "I've tripled my productivity since I took to wearin' the adult diapers. I used to be in there for hours."
Mr. Scheffer says he plans to return to blogging "sometime."

Peter Mansbridge in Picket Line Fight

Old Fashioned Shit Kicker,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Canada’s voice of reasoned and measured journalism and rogerer of Cynthia Dale and Wendy Mesley, Peter Mansbridge, was today involved in what witnesses described as a “good, old fashioned shit-kicking”.
“Peter was doing what the rest of us were doing, you know, walking in circles around a flaming oil drum, when this guy walks by and says: Hey Mansbridge, you’re a fairy. Get back to work,” said editor Nancy Shool. “Peter just lost it.”
According to Shool and other witnesses who were afraid to identify themselves, Mansbridge went into a berserker rage. He chased the man down the street. Mansbridge then leapt at the man, knocking him down from behind. Manbridge then smashed the man’s head into the cement several times. He then pummeled the man’s liver repeatedly. Mansbridge then stood up and “pile-drived” the man.
“Blood was pouring from the guys face,” said one frightened onlooker. When asked to give his name the man screamed and ran away.
Mansbridgbe hauled the man to his feet with on hand. The man was unconscious, witness report. Mansbridge then said, “Ever seen a fairy do this?” Mansbridge pulled down his pants and “bitch-slapped” the man with his penis. Witnesses describe Mansbridge’s penis as been approximately three feet long, “like a steel rod” and deadly. Mansbridge then dumped the man in a garbage can and sodomized him repeatedly.

Candian Tire Couple To Divocrce

She gets half his Canadian Tire money,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

The Canadian Tire Couple, Canada’s most recognizable celebrity couple, are divorcing sighting irreconcilable differences.
Canadian Tire Guy and Canadian Tire Girl have for years been showing up their neighbours' while alerting the nation to the handy, practically priced hardwares available at retailer Canadian Tire.
“It’s been getting harder and harder ot paper over our differences,” said Canadian Tire Girl. “Even if the Mastercraft two-in-one wall paper applicator/DVD player were to somehow work on an emotional level ... on sale now just $129.99.”
Canadian Tire Girl paused, as if waiting for Canadian Tire Guy to ask her if the DVD player would skip. She wiped a tear away from her eyes and continued.
“A thirty second delay means you wont miss a second and the hardened plastic case prevents damage.” Canadian Tire Girl then burst into tears.
“We only stayed together this long for the kids,” said Canadian Tire Guy while showing his neighbour that his non-Mastercraft pressure sprayer was inferior to his Mastercraft Sprayer(on sale now, only $99.99) because of the built in compass and portable solar panel. “There was that time I was showing my neighbour how my Mastercraft solar-powered hedge trimmer/lemonade maker was superior to his hedge trimmer - and thereby insinuating I had a bigger cock than he did - that Canadian Tire Girl came along took the glass of Lemonade I’d made, made a funny little comment, and walked off. On camera i couldn’t say too much but fuck i was steamed. I was god damned thirsty.”
“He could have easily made another glass. The Canadian Tire hedge-trimmer/lemonade maker makes 4-6 glasses at a time. And the built in timer lets you know when the lemonade is ready to serve. Great for those hot days in the garden. Only 34.99 after manufactures rebate. But it was never about the lemonade. He was just looking for an out.”
Canadian Tire Guy has been rumoured to be dating the Rona Girl.