Religion InThe News:

God Loves Her, Hates You,
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Stem Cell Opponents Ask For Divine Guidance

Opponents of Stem Cell research held a rally today to ask: What would Jesus think of stem cells?
Many religious groups oppose stem cell research as it requires the use of cells removed from human embryos.
"I think we all know what he'd say," said reverend Bob Bobson. "He'd say, hell no! Well maybe heck no ... but he'd think it was ungodly and a sin against life!"
In a surprising turn of events Jesus latter appeared at the rally and asked "What the hell are stem cells?

Amazing Reviewer Reviews Films He's Never Seen

John Williams, film critic for Families Against Filth Weekly Review of Filth, has reviewed an amazing 107 movies he's never seen.
"I don't need to see these films to know they're disgusting, pure filth and write 500 words on that filth," said Mr Williams. "I've not seen films as unwholesome as these."
Mr Williams recently reviewed Sin City, giving it minus four weeping Jesus's, saying in his review "an ungodly, perverted mess without one single redeeming quality" despite having not seen the film.
"When will Hollywood stop making films I wont go and see?" he asked.

Poor? God Hates You

Are you poor? Then god probably hates you say leading theologians.
"It's something we've suspected but until now we've had no proof," said Father Theo Monk. But recent events have changed most theologians thinking.
Paris Hilton dropped the theological bomb when she said her staggering and mind boggling fame and fortune were due to "God liking her," and rewarding her "hard work." Until now Ms Hilton,known mostly as the star of blurry internet sex videos and the televised high-jinks of her and her retarded friend Nicole on the Simple Life, was thought to be shallow sign of conspicuous consumption. Now she's turned the entire Christian belief system on its head.
"We used to think the meek would inherit the earth and it was easier for rich man to pass through the eye of the needle than get into heaven. But look at her," says Monk. "She's rich and famous and will want for nothing her entire life. Kind of a kick in the balls, really."
Monk has said he is reconsidering his good works with the poor. He plans to open a turtle-polishing boutique in Beverly Hills.
"Turtles are the next affectation of the wealthy," he said, stepping over a homeless man on his way into the bank to apply for a small business loan.

New Poll Says: Layton's Moustache "Kinda Gay"

A recent poll by Ipos-Factos reveals that many Canadians, while liking NDP leader Jack Layton, find his moustache "kinda gay".
"He seems like a good guy. And he certainly came out of the confidence vote thing smelling like roses," said construction worker Gino Vallenti. "But seriously, that moustache makes him look kinda gay."
"I've been teasing him about it for years, " said wife and fellow NDP MP Olivia Chow. "When I first brought him home to Dad, he said, in Chinese "Who's the fruitcake?" And while I don't approve of my fathers stereotyping or incorrect language, I did stifle a giggle."
The survey, conducted just after the budget vote that included $6 billion in new spending - new spending added at the NDP's behest in return for their support of the Liberal government - found that while many Canadians found Layton the most likeable of the federal party leaders, many couldn't get over his moustache.
"The moustache thing wasn't even in the question we asked. People just kept adding it," said Ipsos-Factos president Merle Oberon.
Mr. Oberon said many people named Layton as the most likeable politician then quickly added a comment about his moustache.
"Most comments were in the negative," said Mr. Oberon.
"Could you imagine sending this guy to some international conference with that gay catterpillar underneath his nose?" Valenti said. " Unless it was a international Gay conference. Then I guess it would be alright. "
One annonymous NDP source said plans have been made to deal with the moustache issue. The source would not give any specifics but said the plans involve chloroform and a razor.

A recent poll suggests a majority of Canadians think NDP leader Jack Layton's moustache "looks kinda gay".

Spelling Mistake Dooms Country to Tyranny

A spelling mistake in the countries new constitution has doomed the tiny republic of Togostan to tyranny.
"I ran it through spell check and everything," said Yuri Gregerov, Interior Minister for the short lived Freedom Party government. "I'm so embarrassed. And after all we've been through."
The new constitution was was to have given power to a democractically elected "Electoral Union". Unfortunately "electoral" was misspelled "electrical" in the document, handing supreme power to the nations union of electricians.
The nations revolution was relatively peaceful. Leader For Life Alexei Alexiov fled the presidential loft after his 14 man army was overrun by housewife wielding "mauve" flags.
"Why mauve? I don't know. Ask the housewives," said a dejected Gregerov.
"It was late at night and I was on a deadline," said Gregerov. "That's the problem with spell check. I spelled electrical right so it didn't come up. I didn't even think to proof it. "
The constitution was signed into law without anyone noticing the spelling mistake. That was until an electrician, wiring the previously gas powered lanterns in the Congress Barn, decided to read the document while taking a "dump" during his lunch break. He took the document to his union president who also read it while relieving himself on an hour-and-a-half smoke break.
When asked if the Electrical Union would be willing to recognize the mistake and join with their fellow countrymen in forming a glorious new democracy, Electrical Union president laughed maniacally. He then outlawed soldering guns and copper wire except for members of the ruling class.
The Freedom party recently swept to power in Togoland's first democratic election since the tiny republic was accidentally invaded by the Soviets in 1956.

Operation Allows Anne Coulter To See

Right wing pundit Anne Coulter has undergone an operation that allows her to finally see where she's going.
"I can now see who I'm screeching at, " screeched Coulter at a recent news conference. Coulter had her nipples removed and replace by looking glass.
"I've had my head up my own ass for so long ... this is a relief", said Coulter. This operation was followed quickly by another operation to have a speaker set in her stomach.
Coulter's head began creeping up her ass a few years ago but it wasn't till the tragic events of 9/11 that her head's ass trajectory began to hasten.
"The volume of lefty, liberal, commie, hippy clap trap I was hearing - well what I could hear of it over the superior reporting of Fox News, CNN, Time, CBS,ABC, NBC, and most major newspapers ... well what I did hear was enough. My head just completely disappeared!"
Doctors said the reaction was due to Ms Coulter's allergic reaction to facts, or "lefty liberal lies" as Ms Coulter describes them.
"In some ways it wasn't so bad", she said while christening a baby girl she ripped from the arms of a Muslim woman a few minutes earlier. " I couldn't hear a thing in there. No more liberal bias. It was heaven, in some ways."
But in others ways it wasn't, she said. She was constantly bumping into things. And she missed reading the invective-inspiring writings of her colleagues.
"I really missed Rush's blog," she confessed. "And Bill's. You know on his website there's a picture him strangling a squirrel? It's quite beautiful."
Ms. Coulters first trip post operation was to the grave of one of her heroes, Joseph McCarthy.
"Christ all mighty he gave those commie homos what for, didn't he?" Ms. Coulters nipple lenses fog up at this point and she goes silent, but just for a moment as she suffers from an inability to keep her mouth closed, even when it's buried deep inside her sternum. "I wish he were still around. I'd set him lose on those Canadian turn coats. What sort of ally are they when they refuse to blindly follow America, guns blazing, brains set on zombie, into whatever country whose oil we need for survival?"
A male assistant dutifully wiped her nipple lens clean. Ms Coulter then cupped the male assistant's balls and ended the interview.


Anne Coulter, seen here in happier times before her ass swallowed her head.