Mr. Bitter and Missus Sour’s Great Adventure Vacation Adventure Part I

My New best friend, Beaky,
originally uploaded by Bergkamp13.

Did you miss me? I’ve been in Florida and the Big Apple. No, not a giant, genetically modified apple that I burrowed my way to the middle of, like a worm. No sir. New York! The … well Big Apple. Below are some travel tips and highlights in case you to want to partake of the: Mr. Bitter and Missus Sour’s Great Adventure Vacation Adventure!! ($1500 per person. Book Now!!)

Make sure that the bus you travel on has many mother’s carrying their babies. There is nothing a baby like’s more than traveling by bus. Unless it’s having a diaper pin through their thighs. I only mention this because the bus we traveled on contained a baby that screamed like A BABY THAT HAD A DIAPER PIN THROUGH ITS LEG!! Over and over and over again. And then some more.

Meeting many Americans on my travels I discovered we have more sames than differences. Dunkin Donuts? Tim Horton’s. Domino’s? Well … we have Dominos too. Both countries also have one Star Bucks for every other citizen. They love their flags down there. Theirs, in particular. I can only assume that since they have so much on their minds these days, what with saving the world from dictators like Saddam Hussein and … well just him so far. And the never ending hunt for Osama Bin Laden. (I believe he’s hiding out with the guy who really killed Nicole Simpson. Don’t worry, OJ’s on the case) that they probably keep forgetting what their flag looks like. That’s why they display it EVERYWHERE. One difference I noticed was customs checkpoints on either side of the Peace Bridge. On the US side you get off the bus (with the screaming babies) and enter a modern, steel and glass enclosure populated by incredible buff, shaven headed, no nonsense type men who could kill you six times before you hit the ground just for making a smart ass comment. On the Canadian side the bus parks near what appears to be an abandoned trailer from a construction site. You lined up outside in the cold on what looked to be a wooden stairwell ripped off of someone’s backyard patio. Inside the customs agents (only two – half the number on the US side) sit behind old Commodore 64 computers. The lady in front of me told the guard she was coming from heaven. The guard turned to his partner and said, “Hey Bill, this one says she’s coming from heaven!” The other guard shrugged wearily “Heaven eh?” And away she went. For those of you taking notes, being insane will NOT keep you from entering the country. One of the border guys was wearing a fur hunting cap with ear flaps.

Dick Cheney did try and shoot us but he only hit the English couple behind us.

I took a dump in Macy’s. In their bathroom. In the toilet.

I made friends with a Pelican. Finally! (see picture)

Tune In later in the week for some more highlights from: Mr. Bitter and Missus Sour’s Great Adventure Vacation Adventure

Jon Stewart Ripped Me Off!

Last night the Daily Show with Jon Stewart did a piece about the current hubbaloo over some Danish cartoons that have inspired the followers of a certain religion to burn flags at an alarming rate and go without Danish Feta (who knew?) for their kebabs. And sure, militant members of said religion are using these cartoons for their own ends. (It's a shame their followers had to be so obliging) I've read that the cartoons aren't very funny, unlike Last Temptation of Christ which was a howler ...
Yesterday I attempted (half-arsedly, I thought, and perhaps you agreed) to pipe in with my two cents worth (if that). I decided to use the most inoffensive (unless you find bland, boring, as insightful as a blind slug and pandering to old ladies offensive - which I do) cartoon I could find to satirize the situation. I picked the all time classic Family Circle. (See below) Perhaps in hindsight it was a bit obvious. So last night when I turned on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart what did I see? Family Circus being used as a tool to satirize this entire situation. On the same goddamned day I did it. What the fuck? How am I supposed to compete with the Daily Show with Jon Stewart? How can there be a level satire playing field when the corporate monster that is Comedy Central is stealing the little guys jokes? Yes, Daily Show writers routinely read my blog. I can almost prove it. (I know a guy in the CIA who can hook me up with some state of the art email reading programs. By the way, Gary? Why are you paying $15 a month subscription for that "monkeys eating cake" site?)
Don't believe me? Think I'm an unoriginal comedy hack who steals all of Jon Stewart's best bits ( and the Simpsons bits too)? Check the time and date code at the bottom of my blog, people. Those can't be messed with. Blogspot.com has tighter security than my neighbours backyard shed ... I will return the hedgeclippers and powersaw when I'm done with them, Missus Sour.

Let's Stop Hating the Cartoons, And Start Loving Again

Right now there are a lot of people in the world really pissed off about a certain cartoon that's appeared recently. There have been threats and riots. Buildings burned and people shot. Cartoonists gone into hiding. Countries petrified they're going to be attacked. It's driving me crazy just thinking about it. I just want to say one thing to these people, these haters of cartoons.
What can you have against Family Circus?
Did you see the one where little Bobby or Jimmy or whatever his name is runs around the neighbourhood and there's this dotted line of where he's been. Or the one where Susie or Carol ... whoever, is drinking milk while being watched by the spirits of her dead grandparents. I hope my grandparents are watching me as I go about my daily business. Well, actually, not all the time ...
My point is this, you haters of niceness. The creators of Family Circus where only trying to make a point about democracy, freedom of speech and a world of white, Christian values. So put down those Molotov cocktails and burning flags and effagies, lay upon the grass with me, and read about little Tommy seeing angel wings in his milkshake.
Just thinking about that one makes me laugh ... oh Billy.